caLebs

faces between personalities

2007-03-19T04:31:19Z

things look better written down. country songs that end in digest and the 10th grade aside, i really hate the kid who played DJ on roseanne. i bet he still is pushing for that spin off. i like reaching turning points, breaking points, and crystal cubes. the the is is- in the grandeur scheme of things, i do not know where i stand. the strong basis from which to build upon is myself which is anti-strong and a basis based on rescued pit bull. so- SO- the fantasist believes in saying "most people envy whatever the whatever" boom city- no direction still implies you were looking for a direction. just like the potty mouth who pioneered flipping.

i mean i hide behind words and personality more than anyone i know. i just let it catch up to me.

We Never Called Her By Her Never Name

2006-11-27T07:08:25Z

now how and how now but how pretensious is it... that i... see signs of myself... going... slo...wl...y.... insane? lets counter in the fact that i do not accept the fact that i am pretensious. everyone is. some more than others and the more others just get labeled that way cuz they don't balance their tort rippling ballsacks. ballzzzacts. agh. BUT- hmm- yea- i have become flabbergasted and am now obsessed with not accepting this pretensiousness and now, in this hunkjournal, make it known and address the problem which bud-dy seems to me, even more pretensious. thats one factor. i also have a crippling sense of lonlyness that i am now admitting for the first time. i hang out with people i don't enjoy that much for the people i do enjoy tend to get enuff of me in a closed enviroment. i've also been calming myself soo much recently, and it takes so much of me to calm myself down that i have developed a chronic headache, like a real one,, with pain and a taste of hard peanut butter. and its all ending up being me not being me. i thought i liked myself, then i thought that actually being myself was the problem and now theres the problem of the act of being myself. i'm not happy. i'm not happy when i don't feel like myself, and right now i'm not sure of even using the word myself again, geez, but i'm not sure who i am. i have no sense of family, which totally irks me. i am under the "thick" impression that the people i care about don't care enuff about me and vice that versa. so i guess i am thaat pretensious, and that, really now, i don't even see a purpose in being me. i mean theres my personal happiness yea, but these signs of me going literally insane, like the ones i didn't mention 'chu, are just too tempting right now. theres something blissful about insane people. like how they only have sex with people with cocaine on the hole of their ass... also their haircuts are free. and they have excuses to rape. and the titanic sunk in april. and saliva can freeze at 14 degrees. and the only way to describe opening soda is intense. and all movies should have a scene where they raise a dead body. stones. eh eh its the distracting myself... that i miss... i don't have an outlet of distraction... i used girlfriends before, and made the decision never to do that again unless she was 90. so joan, i dunno, i'm ganna live with resenting my friends and being totally oblivious to my own needs and thrive in my slow descent into a strength known as insanity.... because thats how things end up. giving the dog the bone, ya know. the tease of an actual relationship with a person. i mean i know being insane is a bad thing, and i don't want to be... but i don't have any obligations lying around here to pick up, dust off, fold nicely, dry hump, use as a window, then make me want to be a decent person. i mean really. i mean fat. my headache went away when i said i don't want to be insane, then resumed when i knew it would. i really haven't used a classic chair in forever. i'm ganna quit typing now.

thought bubbles

2006-11-04T20:26:58Z

can i say i hate growing up? its one of those inevitable things, and thats a bland and obvious statement. i mean i miss ignoring my own feelings or supressing them with what i call "filling the wooden pouch with a lesser wood". those don't seem to work much these days (neither does writing in limejournal but- aghast!). i mean when a song harrows (no you look it up) you and trivializes your exact predicament into one well placed fist across your face... you feel little... like the backside of a person holding a candle in a dark room. and then you look at a bigger picture and you come out realizing that you are just not ganna be what you think you are in your head.(i would make a joke about it being lonely at the top but i think only i would get it.) and i have been admitting more things to myself, which in turn, does not do a durn thing. i mean re-read this... what am i talking about. i see people that i know my same age, and they're all so well adjusted and on their way. i'm watching them. just watching. no real input, no real purpose, story moves along. "accepting roles", ya know?

in conclusion, i idealize women and gawd i hate my friends. ga-odd.

words like pretentious and flames that heat that way

2006-10-27T22:33:13Z

i've been supperly (as in dinnerish as in very) obsessed with my ego lately. like how i've just been walking down carson street at night and then exaggerate the lies about it. and more so of how i just feed my ego over and over and over again. its the stem of why i do anything now. the how and the why of me sitting there listening to all this music in some desperate ploy to make myself seem more cool to myself- that relackzez me. how i go to shows by myself and talk to no one else but the band. everything i even say is means to please my ego. becurrz: im' anti-adjustments. now i can say this because everyone i see on a daily basis has no idea i have a linejournal... but i'm jealous of pretty much all of them. i am pretty much your other friend, the one that you can say 'oh we're tight' and then never reindeer games. sure i feel unwanted, but then again i've been told i'm only good in doses. that i am so caught up in myself that i, in no way would want myself to seem even slightly human to someone else. and i like to think people hang out with me to make them look cool, like i'm a tribal tattoo. but honestly, when i really think about it, i'm just not good with people. bitter buffalo, butter stuffing clone, batter buff stallone, better off alone. and i kinda hate that. i kinda hate that i don't have friends, i have people who tolerate me. i kinda hate that i have to say all this. i kinda hate meteors. so- easy way: commit to indulging my ego continually alienating anyone ever deemed close to me... or hard way: change.

a screw just fell out of my dresser drawer and i just threw it in my sister's bed: its gunna go great.

like curious teenagers upon their return from the flannel expo

2006-10-14T20:58:30Z

i'm a public bus-er, also a pubic buster, so i ffff up against a lot of strangers from areas similar to mine. mine being pittsburgh. pittsburgh having recently kicked the superbowl's ass. from these factors of whatever i just said- here's what i like to notice: notice whether if they're steelers champion apparel is 'super bowl champs' or 'afc champs', and proceed to judge their wealth on whether or not they can afford the bowl champs enscription... either way, the individual looks as clever as a stop sign.

the word 'bogus' stems from the first tennis game ever played. when the individuals who were not certain of the rules found out that they were not about to get face raped, their collective accent combined to say 'i thought you were going to bogue us', a laugh and a culture ensued.

so, yes, slavery- well when the slave would run when not ordered to as a means to become more free- the slavemaster would cut-off the slave's foot. he would then plant the foot, or feet, in his garden hoping to grow more slaves (his thought pro-cess being that they come from the soil, the dark, dark soil). well planting severed slave feet inadvertedly created the disease: athelete's foot.

more of this and some exercise and we're good.

click here (Preamble to the Constitution Rock)

2006-10-03T23:58:55Z

the birds that fly into bridges being lowered by other, smarter birds that cause me to finally write in this livejournal. i mean look at those dates. there might have been some loose association with some loose associates for that, but my knuckles don't even crack anymore when i make a fist. and how we roll is how we metaphor, like that i've been driving a car (a caaar) with no doors and i made a sharp turn before i told everyone to put their seatbelts on. and the road i'm in has one of those tunnels the coyote painted on a cliff and i just went right through it- meaning: i fucked with that dayum coyote's plans, and i have no idea whats going on. and if you really think about it- the roadrunner is kind of a dick. and he accepts it. and we accept it. and we love him for it. and we don't see the coyote's friends and family and how they resent said runner. for he is really a dick. so, hm, i'm in this tunnel and then the mattaphurr ends. cuz things actually happen and buildings actually collapse. and things get dark and things get the opposite of dark. its not winning and its not losing, its not even playing the game- its being a good person to people you care about.

i use terms like swerve ranch. and i can't use them where i'm going.

i frame things more than ever

2006-05-01T01:18:50Z

about a month ago, i cornered and then jarred a spider. every week i put a lollipop stick in the jar, 3 blow 1 tootsie. today i released it because it did not do any webs. we're not on speaking terms because i don't know what its plans were. i assume it still lives on the balcony and that it still enjoys saliva garbage, but probably all its friends do too. i'll always like that spider even though it didn't appreciate the dog skeleton i drew on the jar. but theres a million spiders who like spit sticks and more than likely one of them responds to skeletons. but i guess the fault was always on me... after all i captured it. spiders, ya know?

mini-cab

2006-04-05T13:02:07Z

in a time of wordiness:

ba ba ba babababa ba

we can all wear some more flannel. it says i'm flashy in the way i can't afford. i think everyone has that.

eating with popcorn

2006-03-06T04:48:34Z

i have recently figured out that i don't believe in love. series follows: you find someone who you want to be like, and, if you're lucky, you have qualities that make them want to be like you.

then i figured out there is no such thing as self confidence. self confidence is a tag placed. thinking about self confidence is the complete opposite of the concept of self confidence. and now those times where i thought i was pretensious are really times that i enjoy myself. and how life is just learning to be myself.

so what'd we say?

whey!

2006-02-26T05:20:51Z

now that my chest is bigger, the things on it seem smaller. whoop talks like that? blue with yellow featuring orange. the new band is called "proceeds benefit"... how about all this? i don't know who to convince anymore. if i "f" this shit or fuck this "s" or just suddenly realize how this is the most undermindingly confusing thing to me and how it really fits and how times and how much i revel in the madness. you. and i. is it rude to ask you to remember me fondly? i'm sure you're still as gorgeous. as i'm sure you're still as keen with sensibilties as ever. and i'm sure you're still best conversation i've had. like how you question the meaning of keen with sensibilities or how you know i'm talking about you without saying your name. like how hard it sometimes gets and how easy those hard times really are. friends with darlings, darlings, and darlings with friends. the best of bost worlts. as if i'm not dying to get over you still (the under you joke)... alls i need is some self confidence and cinnamon. neither in some while.

but when i figure out that it really happened, when i calm myself down like this, when i take things seriously... violins.

emas eht (it IS)

2006-02-12T05:42:43Z

and i'm so embarrassed. or am i just getting over? am i just getting older? terms of 'thats what friends are for.' and i quit listening to much music to avoid myself. and i embraced my doubtfulness. the more highly i think of myself, the less i listen to myself. so moving forward means getting this confidence to think highly of myself. i either lost my dear friend and know that i had one or lose my dear friend and lose some sanity. you're not around. like i'm using the gold just for my sandal strap and how there it breaks easy and how there it loses its veneer. well, as much as the gold means to me, its not licking my balls. the gold though? i hate that just a little bit. caleb now, more than caleb ever. things, by the accounts police, are gold. lets begin with things.

its while i'm alone. with nothing else to think about. and how grey hairs can look silver. i don't want to hate you, but i don't want to miss you.

The Biggest I Don't Know Ever, Bigger Than Acid Wash

2005-12-27T07:51:05Z

For once, its scaryest. In that- I'm afraid to talk to certain people. In that- certain people don't want to hear from me. I'm messing something up. In that- the people who do want to talk to me seem dry. Backs to forths- everytime I try to talk to some people- I feel like I'm doing them a disservice, like they're burdened to talk to me. And its not that I don't think its a burden when the people who do actually talk to me talk to me, its that they know they can talk to me. And the people that I know I can talk to I don't like talking to. And the people I'm afraid of talking to, well, this just goes to show how pathetic I am and how pathetic I think I am and really more reason for them to not want to talk to me. They all know who they are, I think. I think they care, I think that they think they feel obligated to care. I don't think I like that. I don't think anyone's going to do anything about it. They're not at all bad people, and they never much steered me wrong before- but the last some months. I mean these are the people who I want to talk to more than anything. I mean I miss some people. Abstractly. I just wanted to say abstractly. I'm not asking for help, I'm asking what happened to my friends.

Seasons not like I don't want to talk to any one of you, seasons like am I allowed and supposed to talk to you? In that- counting on anything is counting on anything as a blessing.

mimes miming sense

2005-12-22T01:38:54Z

Literally: I have now hoarded it for home. More so- its all uber legitimate. Which raises the altered blatancy of questions: What if the relationship was right? "What if desire is truth?" What am I learning here? What more could I ask for? I am saying all this to put a practical spin on everything. So- I do not want that everything to be everything. I really want everything to be close to nothing. I mean I have my ideals of what I'd like it to be, but thats such a discussion. Part of what I learned is its not about what I want. Which leads to more discussion (this cushion!). You were always smarter than me. You were always much stronger than me. Like how I'm just worried and you'll be above me worrying by pretending you didn't read this and when I ask "really?" you'd say "honestly". Like how I say something like "hey your nose" and it always seems like I'm grasping onto something more with you, but when I really mean it when I say that I don't intend to, you'd believe me. Like how much I don't want to bring it up and you won't hold it against me if I do anyway. So I've got a bunch of stuff that might not ever be said. I just realized you had "this is something static and solemnly invisible" before. So thats wacky. So its been said all along- I want my friend back. So now thats capable, its a matter of adjusting. I hope. Dear you- you're not about often, you're about me knowing that you're the best which makes me feel good. So its that hope that you still notice me. I shouldn't worry like I shouldn't write about it. Oh- and count the "So"s.

In other Muffins of Stuffins (hey your nose) news: I've settled on "didn't mean to skank your art" over "just shake it, its all you got" for baby's first tatoo. And if thats not enough "To the tenth without."

I don't look at it as problems, I look at it as watermelons. And yes I also considered these "Any dungen master worth his weight in gelvets wouldn't go anywhere without his... TWENTY SIDED DI", "Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it. Take a break. Think about what you've done" and "for breakfast we had scrambled pterydactyl eggs and raptor bacon". Its all grubbing.

New Orleans Swack

2005-12-17T22:14:55Z

I think I owe it to myself just to write it on thinjournal. What does that mean "I think"? Oh on: Everythings as it should be, not spefically, just generally. And really, general is all one can hope for. I mean theres the "but what will become of us tomorrow? hey you, penny for your thoughts?", but worrying about that was a lesson lerch. Lerch: don't worry about that, we're self made millionaires about that. I mean once everything actually settles in, then settles down, then settles- it'll be life. Which is so abstract that theres a show called "My Wife's So House Desperate" to make it seem quicker. I mean no ones ganna know what will happen, but things just happen. Right now: Jeremiah is going to be a bullfrog. I'm not going to use swords or anything, I mean I don't think I owe it to myself to write it in chunkjournal. Cuz I know. Boom.

certain things and curtain strings (w-tar-f?)

2005-12-16T05:34:36Z

And today i realized- why do I want you as my friend? Was it just cuz I lost you as a friend? Was it cuz I expected you to be my friend? Was it cuz I don't really have friends? And I'm saying was. Like I don't want to be your friend, which completely goes against my last couple months but still feels good to say. I don't want to be friends with you. Its the 'you broke my heart'. Its your absence. The how you thought you knew what I was after. That you broke my heart makes you this riddle to figure out is just plain crap. And man- why were we even close to begin with? And yet, I feel obliged to write about you. To just think about the one time I had the closest thing i ever had to a best friend and what that relationship is now- I am in no way going to be happy about it, about you. So now that I really think about things, its all a fear of what I can be. That being better than this. I'm pretty sure I don't hate you, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't matter to me. I, for once, don't think i'm actually just saying this.

I'm basically a comment by myself on myself. The noble flaw about me is: I want a best friend. I don't know why thats so troublesome to admit, but really thats why I do things. Thats why I'm such a dick around my family and most people. My one motive is to just have that meaningful relationship. So there, everyone, there is my underlying motivation, my vulner(why i say things like vulner). For me to actually get over myself and be a better person is having to not want that relationship, and actually trust in my self reliance. I think I just did that for five months. Obviously lessons learned, silver linings. So really I don't have anything figured out. I ignore most problems. That line between looking on the bright side and being naive. I don't know how to rise above things. Life- what you can hear and what you can see.

I can say more about how I almost ruined my friendship with Catlin because I moved here, or how I realized that being just like my dad is an entirely good thing and something to strive for, or its not dumbing myself down, its adjusting. But Mey-ay Christmas.

howard university

2005-12-12T20:32:11Z

All the great stories have either a great hero or great villain. I mean if its a kickass hero and some lame ass villain, its still good cuz then the hero can go all crater shit and show off lengths of herotics. Or, the vice the versa, when a sucka for a hero beats a really thumbs up villain... well thats even better (the big green). So- freeze tag- theres no great here, theres no more lame left. For that matter, who was the hero and what is the villain (when is the setting). So theres just lapse. And what am I, embracing that lapse? Its cradles down to this: I could've forgotten a long time ago, I could've went and passed the cigar to the next new daddy, but.. I didn't want to. I didn't want you to be a footnote. I didn't want you as the "oh yeah, that". I just wanted my friend back. Situations like: the test of strength game at carnivals, the one where you take the mallet and hit the designate hard enough to make the thing zing up and ding (Lord), JT did it in the theme song on Step by Step. Anyways, when you get finally get strong enough and ding it, you get a prize. So- we dung each other. And we're the type of people not to show off our strength, so we don't play that game anymore. We don't recognize our prize (nizes out prizes). We're strong enough, so we're not coming back. Why fake being metaphorically weak, ya know? For the ugleeteethteenth time I'll say I miss being your friend, and for the this time say I'm fine with missing you. That doesn't make you just "something that happened to me", but I'm pretty sure it makes me an idiot. Strength test- wack the fhut?

Allah Hugh- Its ganna be on my mind while I'm still here.
My short answer: ok. Long answer: Okay.
And no, its not.

sucking from leaks, yes leaks

2005-12-07T06:35:12Z

so i'm not homesick. on top of: i'm not too fond of out here. so: transitional. i was feveriously aware of how un-grownup i was and embraced that- but now, when faced with the massive ass of transitional period, which sca-reams growing up, i'm pissed at myself. i'm pissed that i don't use might skills as much as i should, i'm pissed that being myself means amusing myself which means alienating others, i'm pissed that i can't be lax that she isn't my friend, i'm pissed that everyone whose my friend isn't as close to me as i want, and i'm pissed that i'm all to blame for it. and i'm complaining right now, which i hate doing. which i do all the time anymore. i rely on a person one time in my life and i'm paying for that. i don't want to learn any lessons from that. and i never want to feel like i have anything to prove anything ever again. if that makes me a better person- great. i'm just ganna eliminate the thought process that lead me to all this. that "oh its just something that i do". i mean i sat here and laughed at me being in arizona because thats what caleb does. i laugh at myself for making life worse for myself. thats pathetic. i used to say to myself that i'm not all bad, which is just ignoring the bad. caleb. i don't want no sympathy, or some slack, or any credit, its just that everytime i think about this last year- i cry. its how i can't balance being myself with growing up, and how when i found someone else going through that- i put my effort into her. and thats why i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i never thought problems made people interesting, but then again i don't know what makes people interesting. my guess is something about self confidence, like in the way they answer the phone. maybe its their friends and how a person is a friend. that would make some sense to me. so, i don't know what to do right now. i mean i'm telling myself not to be myself. and i'm hoping its one of those things i can't figure out, that it just happens. i like those. that makes me a maverick i guess.

the first, magoode man

2005-12-05T16:44:54Z

batter wise, i'm a brownie man. not pancake nor regular cake. i just like the sound of 'batter wise'. just liked i liked the sound of 'rolls flattering' and 'eye candy baseball'. and there i liked 'liked i liked'. now i'm just going go. i write in my journal cuz it seems to centralize everything, and i don't preoccupy myself with what i did before (no guess, yes guess, really guess, special guess: charro). so streamlined: its hard to admit you love someone when you're sure you'll never see them again. i use love loosely, just like i used clothes in 7th grade. i kept calling my boss Mr. Belding, which led to misty buildings, and then someone suggested masterbatings, which then i quit. next time i saw the boss, i called him life without buildings... and you know me. if you don't know me or missed part 7 of me: life without buildings is the oft quoted band championed by fun phrases that are fuel for the oft quotes from me. oh you know me. anyway- i don't know what i look forward to, mostly because i don't know how i'm ganna respond to everybody. i mean i got the jail out of free card here. and if i learned anything within the last months, is friends happen and friends don't happen. and the extent of all of its pathetic is that this is the closest i get to saying i miss you. and that i've been over it, and dealt with it, and have made peace with it- that doesn't mean i don't want my friend back. "its better to have loved and lost then to have never lost at all" seems like an excuse. i mean whats the basis of that. philosofeet. so i'm doing good, just not better. and i don't need anything from anyone, but it'd be nice.

and the frivolous of friends is my downfall, at least now. that means you, p-a.

we're just toughly crazy about beaks, God beaks

2005-11-30T05:15:03Z

i work at office depot now. whenever someone asks me a question, i start my answer with 'coincidentally'. say kal-bow, whats the name of the atlanta falcons head coach? coincidentally, a few times a year, i watch football and, jim mora junior, the answer to that question is within my answering of that question. i was also asked where the office chairs were that don't swivel and coincidentally answered. its a depot, i can't get over that i can say i work at a depot then say "coincidentally, an office one". oh i know its stupid, but look at what else is going on with me. my haircut is ugg because i don't get a haircut. i sleep as much as possible in order to save food. my confidence exists purely for making calvary (as an adjective) statements. "abraham lincoln would have been better if money grew on trees", "the best words are incidences and the best word is incidence", "oriental people are like birds- it looks funny when they have oral sex". today i sawa comedian and he used observational humor and i thought this must be really funny to blind people, because blind people laugh at anything anyone else laughs at because they don't want attention drawn to them, ya know, cuz they're blind. also the observations must be nicer. i've never seen a subway restaurant with an attitude or more than 6 tables. anyway people smoke because its cool, admit it.

nicknames aside,
hi to everyone

whoever has the most legs wins

2005-11-23T20:49:37Z

enchant: its not that i dwell on it all the time or anything like that- i just, pretty durn honestly, wish i never met you. don't get me wrong, i absolutely adore having been friends with you. its just that given the choice of having never met you and therefore have a bit more normalcy in my mint life OR meeting you and eventually having one of the best friends i ever made not acknowledge said mint life. i'd choose the rather not. and i hate that. that seems contradictory, well because it is. but i had a real good friend, somehow. and i'll always care about that friend, while that friend doesn't believe i exist. so i'm santa claus. and i absolutely hate that i can say i'm ok about everything. i'm glad i'm ok, even a trifle bit proud, but i lost a friend. an up one at that. so its not like i'm never ganna think about this again type OK, i think about cos i care about. and i know my caring doesn't mean a thing, and thats how its ganna be. acceptence looks good on me. its stupid. i still talk about it. popstars dance about it. its just that when i say i wish i never met you, i have to keep saying it. the convincing, ya know, its cute.

i can always put on shoes

2005-10-22T20:37:27Z

faults and blames and holidays and agains and locations and teamworks and meddles and beyonds and alls.

there is much to be said about being happy and even more about being unhappy, horsehead. look: thru all circumstances and without kidding myself- was i ever happy about it? no. i was unhappy. and thats despicable. and when you're unhappy you take it out and cloud your relationship. you systematically eat each other, and i can't win that, i can hardly even recognize it. and when things become too much and pull your gusto down just showing that unhappiness, all bare all latin all shock all crippled, its up to someone to fight for something they believe in. i tried, boy did i try, but theres no use rescuing jungle folk. people want what they want, people care about what they want.

i mean at the end of it, who did i hate more- you or me? i can feel, care, think, forget, like, mash, cry, starve, leave, pretend, sound, enjoy a lot of things... theres just no way around the brunt of a lot of those things. i dwell on things. i'm not that strong of a person. i touch it and then run away, which is one of the many childlike behaviors i account for. but i'm pretty clean.

thanks. you're the best.

Tony Perkins as The Problem

2005-09-19T07:55:36Z

I update my journal so much out of pure embarrassment of it being true. To think to move on to a new subject even though the last subject is exactly the same. To make people go "oh look its updated, good jobsh". Now really here, I've figured most things out, and I hate that I did so. What else am I going to do now? I take solace in the fact, that you're happy, but that really doesn't make me care any less. Raise your hand if you lost the best friend you've ever made. And thats the problem. I shouldn't regard you as highly as I do. But dammit, look at you. I don't find people that relate to me an ounce of what you did. The did, well theres no even trying anymore, too much means '2 mucha'. Not to make light of any other friendships I had, but there was a difference. Hell I don't even really like making friends too much. So now, back to wallowing in my outsider status and faking through. Thats not entirely true, thrank grod. I'm jitters, but I hope I never have a friend like that again. I don't want someone to be my everything. Thats gross. I don't care if we're not compatible, or if we're much. I care that we get along, I guess got along, and this last part where I have no clue how to say it or even to begin to say it. So I meant my 'always', and I think thats a good thing. How many times can I say "I miss my friend" before it gets implyed?

I'd like to know who reads this. Its one of those things where being aware actually means something. I might not write in here for awhile, as a gentlemen. Also, those two way video watches you see in spy movies... those are atrocious.

first was, a good is, now its was all over again

2005-09-17T09:35:06Z

Why do I keep dusting it fully upon myself? My last couple entries and me. I know its all pathetic, and I don't really care. Thats pretty pathetic itself. I miss my friend. I put value on someone who has no value in me whatsoever. Why am I expected to let someone who meant so much in my life just go away? When am I ganna stop caring? Its not about any relationship anymore, I can throw that one out the window, its about not having nothing. I'd like to know how you can to assume what you assume about me. Its not the 'I need you to help me get over myself', its 'I miss my friend'. I don't know a practical reason why we can't be.
All the times I seem alright with everything. The "I'm glad it happened"s. The times I try and go make things of myself. When I distract myself. Thats when I feel most pathetic. And the times when I say "a lot went on but nothing happened" and "how can we think we actually got to know each other" and the things I keep to myself and the things I kept to myself like "that relationship wasn't what I wanted, but you're the best". and how pathetic, how pathetic, how pathetic. Thats when I regret everything.
I need someone new to tell me how pathetic I am, someone else to make me feel like crapky, just someone to A to B. Seriously I need someone to tell me if I'm right or wrong or how they're doing or state capitals or their thoughts on devendra banhart's new album or a acne nickname or their hands moving.
I don't know who reads this if anyone reads this if I want anyone to read this. I'm just at my low thats all.

Huge Sides

2005-09-15T21:23:57Z

Maybe this is some grand lesson where my lows means grows. Where I learn to give in, to truly not care when everything says not to care, to lose friends with a grace. I do this thing where I can't sleep so then I just remain tired all day. I call it pajamacide. I did this thing were I couldn't control myself so now I think about it all the time. I call it shapeacide. Both are stupid. Its all stupid. So now when I do sleep, its for 12 hours. So now when I control myself, I think about what could've been. The only difference between you and I is that you're happy about it.

Authors

2005-09-13T08:49:26Z

I update my linejourval more because I have something to say, but I don't know if I can say it. So I jump around it in the way that I've been known for. I know I really want to say it, and I know I never will. Just saying that it even exists is hard enough for me because I'm using my thin journal to say it, and I dunno, I still think that it can get back to her somehow. Just saying I want to say it, makes it seem pathetic. I mean I go over saying it to myself repeatedly, and it just eats at me. Then I played that record, and the "Have I gone the extra just to walk away?" and I find myself not wanting to say that I don't want to say what I want to say. I mean it does answer a certain question, but things are so worn out that regardless of what I say will help the situation. Hell, I probably said it some form, but not in the actual way. Before I used my might as well try it card, but this one's not for wasting. I take that as a good sign for myself, which I take as a bad sign for myself. But its always easier to close than to open up.